Life is … (fill in the blanks)
“Don’t take life too seriously,” someone once advised. “You’ll never get out alive anyway.”
With all that’s going on lately, we may feel like we’re actors on the TV show, “Lost.” What’s this life about, anyway? Here are some suggestions. You figure it out.
Life is a cabaret. “What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a cabaret, old chum. Come to the cabaret” (Liza Minnelli). This one can’t be true. Now you don’t have to go anywhere to hear your music any more — you can download it on your smart phone. Life is not a cabaret. That’s so 20th century.
Life is a bowl of cherries. If you’re a Wall Street banker, you figure this one is true, and the cherries they’re plucking from the rest of us don’t have any pits (pittances), either: Those bonuses are like watermelons in a cherry bowl, and isn’t that sweet (for them).
Life is a test (philosopher Gabriel Marcel). Well, that’s possible. This past decade we always seemed to be told what to do. When they said “aught 1,” “aught 2,” “aught 3″ and so on, for ’01, ’02, ’03, and so forth, it seemed they meant “ought 1,” “ought 2″ and “ought 3,” so we were glad to see the decade end. Now we seem to need more oughts, not fewer. If President Barack Obama doesn’t rein in the big banks from betting on borrowed money and running up unlimited debt and leverage, we’ll have the same financial crisis again — like we had back in aught 8 and aught 9. Tell ‘em what they ought to do, Mr. Pres.
Life is difficult (Buddha). That’s true. Last month it was so cold there were reports of iguanas falling out of trees. My wife always said I seemed to have just come down out of the trees, but that was different, of course.
Life is a tin of sardines, with all of us looking for the key (Alan Bennett). Recently they discovered a prehistoric woolly mammoth almost entirely intact, including its DNA. Lately my DNA feels less intact than my upper molars, and the only thing mammoth anymore is my ear lobes — oh, and that skunk that lives under the pump house. Life may be a tin of sardines, all right, but the little fish inside are swimming for better waters.
Life is a candle in the wind (Carl Sandburg). Last week I saw a man talking on his cell phone as he pushed his shopping cart through the grocery store, apparently unaware of the danger. I tried to knock the phone out of his hands, but he ducked into the soup aisle and got away. Yeah, like a candle in the wind.
Life is an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep (Carl Sandburg). Researchers have discovered that testosterone levels go down in men after their candidate loses an election or after their sports team loses. They are that onion that loses a layer of testosterone causing them to weep. Cowboy fans (male ones, that is), get out your hankies.
Life is a b____. Not only that, she’s always having puppies. A recent study of 6,000 people found that those who feel they are being treated unfairly are 55 percent more likely to have a heart attack within 10 years than those who do not. Those who treat them unfairly are probably 55 percent less likely to have a heart at all — that’s just my guess. Anyway, life probably isn’t really a b____. If it were, we wouldn’t know what to t___.
Life is a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re gonna get (Forrest Gump). Scientists are trying to trick us into swallowing the global warming hoax, just like they did in convincing everyone that the world was round, not flat. Who knows what chocolate comes next.
Life is a race (St. Paul), a challenge (Robert M. Hensel), a process of learning (Jiddu Krishnamurti) or of becoming (Anais Nin). Life is what we make it (Grandma Moses). I know there are more and better answers out there, but as Polish writer Stanislaw J. Lec said, life is probably just too time-consuming. Let’s get back together on this — when we have more time.
Kozeny works for Socorro Mental Health Inc. His views are not necessarily those of his employer. He can be reached by e-mail to email@example.com. Tom, my uncle said life is a race against the clock, and that’s why clocks run so fast. Is that true?