New apps for your smart phone
Yes, your life has changed since you bought your cell phone and started treating it as your significant other. You never really walked down the aisle and bequeathed your nuptial best to it, but your behavior makes it obvious, dude.
Your own phone has some of the more than 100,000 applications available for those 87 percent of Americans who own a cellular phone, and you’re loving every minute of it.
All right, you already use your phone as a universal remote, a friendly dictating machine, a foreign language translator and a live video streaming machine — but you haven’t seen the half of it.
Here then, are a bunch of apps you may never have heard of. Order a few of them now and your life will be the richer for it — or at least more clogged up.
• RoadRageDamper, Free. — You’re getting cut off on the highway by rude drivers? Never again threaten your safety by yelling back. This handy app spots the misdeed and shouts an appropriate zinger, without your having to take your eyes off the road — or flip the bird.
• ShopperStopper, 99 cents — Over-zealous shoppers who buy whatever their rapacious eyes alight on in the store will find help with this app. Pick up an item from a counter and a voice blurts out either to buy it or to “put the dad-gum thing back, idiot! You’ll never use it anyway!”
• SoundBite, $1.50 — Whether it’s a snore that bugs your spouse in bed, a burp you make at the table or that other sound you make but we won’t name here, the sound will be transformed into the opening notes of a Mozart symphony or another musical score of your choice. Your friends may ask you to belch more often — just don’t forget to turn on the app.
• Dog-gone, Free — Fear of attacks by neighborhood dogs can be a thing of the past. One bark or growl from a menacing canine triggers the voice of Larry King snorting, “Get lost, you sniveling beast!” Just 25-cents a month substitutes Larry’s voice with that of your ex-mother- or ex–father-in-law, for a more personalized effect.
• OdorLoader, Free — Body odors can be embarrassing, especially if you work at the city landfill or a nursery. One whiff of stinky feet, bad breath, decaying garbage or that underwear that fell out of the laundry basket without your noticing, and the smell is turned into the aroma of your favorite flower. Now the nastier the smell, the more girls (or guys) will love you.
• Talk-radioRerouter, 75 cents — Left- or right-wing blabbering will no longer be a bother. Install this app and the voice of that talk show host will be drowned out by that of your favorite politician shouting, “You lie!” — which is also text-messaged to the host.
• pcPeace, Free — Confusion and blunders can delay the efforts you make on your computer, but no longer. Make an error or miscue and a hand appears, to slap your wrist and point out your mistake. A voice is heard grunting, “The icon on the top left (or whatever), stupid!” or other gentle instructions.
• SpousalArousal, 69 cents — When the marriage bed isn’t what it used to be (and perhaps never was), it may be time to order this one. The application is equipped with a special sensor that spots a husband or wife kissing the dog more often than their mate. When that occurs, a call is made automatically to that party’s mother-in-law, with detailed instructions on what she should say to put things back in order.
• FootballFumbler, Free — For women whose men spend their weekends slouched in front of the TV watching football or other sports. Set the app and it will spot those games on the tube. Players are transformed into Sumo wrestlers dressed in tutus, dancing a Russian ballet and singing in falsetto voice. Your man will bolt from his chair and never watch a game again.
There are many more apps for your phone, but you’ll have to buy an app to find out what they are. Either that or you can toss your phone in the river and go back to playing horseshoes.
Kozeny works for Socorro Mental Health Inc. His views are not necessarily those of his employer. He can be reached by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. Tom, I need an app that makes typing and paper-shuffling sounds for when I really need that quick nap at my desk. Any suggestions?