Armed with tax information
Death and taxes are the only things that are certain in life, according to Benjamin Franklin. What isn’t certain is whether or not one can cause the other, paying taxes causing you to croak, or death being the IRS’s way to get you to pay.
Anyway, they are due tomorrow, April 15, and I intend to get started working on them, even though it’s still hours away from the midnight deadline. Paying taxes isn’t really such a big deal, and since I’ve already almost started mine, I’d like to offer a little advice, to make it easy for you.
If you earned money in the last year, either by working, winning big at a casino, running a Ponzi scheme, or taking the money from your son or daughter’s piggy bank for your potato chips with the promise to pay them back later, write the amount on the back of an envelope. If you don’t know how to write, pick up your cell phone now and call your children for help.
An exception exists if you like to eat pudding, unless it is banana or chocolate flavored, or if you tie your shoe laces left shoe first, and then the right shoe. If either of these two applies, go out on the back porch and yell for a neighbor. If your neighbor is asleep, your spouse is out shopping or your dog is trying to dig its way underneath your back fence, then you will need to use Form Q, which has not been printed yet, but you can write for it anyway.
If you still have the envelope mentioned above, write five “X’s” on the top and five zeros on the bottom, to use later for tic-tac-toe, in case you need something to do to pass time recovering from this tax form. If not, write two boxes on the right side, and check them if you have any children, grandchildren, friends or acquaintances. If you did not check these boxes, talk things over with your barber or hairdresser before completing the rest of this form.
Now write your age on the top of the shopping list you’ll use the next time you go shopping. If you left the front door open by mistake last week, forgot to take out the garbage or spilled catsup on your new sweater, add the number 10 to your age and subtract whatever number comes to your mind. Exception: if your sweater is dark blue or the front door opens in, instead of out, then you must use the opposite side of the shopping list.
If you hear your dog barking at this moment, take the shopping list with these numbers and tear it up. An exception to this exception will occur if the pudding mentioned above has sat in the refrigerator for at least seven days, but not more than 8, unless it was on the bottom shelf, in which case you must report this on Form Q or, if you live east of the Continental Divide, you must rename it Form Z on line 18 of another form designated on page 12 of Form W.
Since these tips have made it so easy to file your taxes, the complaints of the so-called Tea Partiers, who oppose taxes and government in general, have now become obsolete. They say they are anti-establishment in both parties, but Republicans have tried to jump onto their coattails. A recent Harris Poll found that 24 percent of Republicans considered President Barack Obama to be the Antichrist, 38 percent believed he was doing many of the same things that Hitler did, and 45 percent thought he was not born in the United States and so was not eligible to be president. They are so smart, they ought to write the tax code.
Tea Party extremists, often egged on by Republicans soured by the health care bill, were quick to step in. They spat on Rep. Emanuel Cleaver; called Rep. Ciro Rodriguez “a wetback”; spat on Black congressmen and hurled racial slurs at them; threw bricks through congressmen’s windows; shouted “traitor” and “off with his head” (the president’s) at Sarah Palin rallies; made anti-gay and racial slurs against Congressmen Barney Frank and James Lewis; and made death threats. There was more, but I don’t want to “tax” your patience.
All of this is beginning to stress me out.
I think I’ll go work on my taxes, in order to relax. An exception applies if I croak before reaching Line 12.
Kozeny works for Socorro Mental Health Inc. His views are not necessarily those of his employer. He can be reached by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.Tom, does the library have Form Q?