Here are some Christmas gift ideas


There are still 10 days until Christmas, much too early to do gift shopping — or shoplifting. Here are some gift ideas, but do not go shopping until the 24th, when prices could come down — or go up.

A tube of caulking. To be used in case your name shows up on WikiLeaks and you need a quick cover-up to fill in the cracks.
Cell phones. For special use while driving a car. Fits handily in the trunk — a little hard to reach while driving, but easily extracted to call the hospital after you wreck your vehicle.
Refrigerator. For federal civilian employees who will take a two-year pay freeze, if President Obama’s proposal is accepted. State employees in Arizona are already doing it.
Mop. For use by Congress to mop up the mess they are making by refusing to take necessary steps to save the economy.
Whole-body-image scanner. For installation at your front door — just in case any visitors are terrorists. Special model checks your children’s shoes for bombs, kitchen and bathroom liquids for explosives, and underwear for IED’s. For an extra $5, a miniature drone aircraft is installed, to track down neighbors with strange names.
Highly-stylized blank check. To contribute to the reinforcement of America’s permanent war state, swollen military budget, worldwide network of some 500 military bases, extravagant U.S. embassies in Iraq and Afghanistan, and fear-fed, runaway security measures.
Arabic dictionary. To detect hidden Jihadist slogans in Christmas carols on radio and TV.
A $10 or $20 gift certificate for a flight to outer space on Virgin Galactic. The certificate won’t get you to the moon and back, but it may pay for a five-minute use of the luggage rack on board.
Bed-bug spray. Clear out those varmints from your bedroom once and for all. An alternative gift would be a sleeping bag to sleep in the backyard by the garbage cans — where no self-respecting bed-bug will go anywhere near.
Special hiking gear. To be used in walking the planned path on “M” Mountain. Amply equipped with full-body armor, anti-IED shoes, and blast-proof ear plugs, in case of stumbling on depleted uranium or explosives.
Boxing gloves. For use by congressional partisan politicians. The gloves are designed to be easily taken off, should tempers escalate and the need arise to take stronger measures, in which case the gun lobby might have a plan.
Copy of the U.S. Constitution. For use in conversations with Tea Partiers, who propose a literal return to that document as the answer to our problems. Large-print edition is advised, since many of them have a hard time seeing.
Composting toilet. Turns human waste into perfectly sanitized fertilizer, to boost agricultural production. Deluxe model includes year’s supply of corn cobs instead of toilet paper, thus preserving the rainforest and helping corn farmers.
Piggy bank. To help eliminate the national deficit. Not to be used by rich people, however, since they must not be put to any inconvenience.
Black and white striped shirt. For those one-in-thirty-one of all American adults who are in prison. You may have to deliver the shirt yourself, unless you already happen to live there.
A pair of shark sunglasses. For the person who has a shark for a pet. They’re the only fish that can blink with both eyes, though humans can do it when listening to Rush Limbaugh.
The Mile-Long Mattress. A great present for the New York banker, whose huge bonuses can no longer be hidden under the normal-sized mattress. This gift is the year’s sleeper.

Kozeny works for Socorro Mental Health Inc. His views are not necessarily those of his employer. He can be reached by e-mail to