Here’s some breaking news
Some news will never be found on Page 1 of the newspaper or even be reported by a news reporter. That’s because it’s not solid, but breaking news. Like these broken bits.
President to move some key administrative operations out of Washington
President Obama announced recently that he would move his Political Operations Office to Chicago in order to escape the charged atmosphere of the nation’s capital. He might then move another key unit to Socorro, N.M. To recreate his presidency in a more non-partisan direction, the president could relocate his Congressional Relations Office to the offices of the Socorro Electric Co-op, where co-op has come to mean co-operation and harmony.
U.S. students take the lead in world achievement scores
In recently published test results, America’s 15-year olds, though ranking 14th in reading skills, 17th in science, and 25th in math, have leapt ahead to rank No. 1 in time spent text messaging their friends. Though ranking 27th among developed nations in the percentage of college grads in science and engineering, the U.S. now leads in students who can operate five separate digital devices at one time without knowing how to spell. Go figgur.
Regulation of Economic Realities not needed, as Long as you’re rich.
A year ago this month, the Supreme Court gave corporations and the wealthy unlimited power to contribute to political campaigns without disclosure of their source. This decision rivaled the power of congressional lobbyists to bribe constituents. Adam Smith’s famous “invisible hand” of the free market as containing a built-in self-regulatory mechanism could become even more invisible yet. If you’ve got the money, you’ll be dealt the hand.
U.S. resolves to begin leaving Afghanistan by the year 3000
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Gen. David Petraeus have now echoed the resolve of President Obama that the U.S. will begin to draw down its forces in Afghanistan as early as this can be done, without putting at risk the Afghan forces in the field. At a news conference last week, they refused to set a definite date but did agree to maybe begin to look at the possibility by the year 3000. “One cannot be hasty about such things,” said Petraeus.
President Obama was not born in the U.S. — He was hatched
Fifty-eight percent of Republicans believe Barak Obama was not born in the United States, or say they are not sure. If he was not born here, he must have been hatched — at least, many Republicans probably believe that. As for Sen. Hatch, we’ll have to ask a Democrat.
Gov. Martínez leaps into the 19th century
Our new governor has some great plans, but now she’s announced that she wants to reinstate the death penalty for certain offenders and to expand the law allowing concealed weapons. No word yet whether or not she will reintroduce public hangings in town squares.
Post office could get new life
With post offices closing around the country due to lack of funds and the rise of electronic communication, rumor has it that Socorro’s Post Office could close, and the site become a center where grandma and grandpa can go to learn to play video games, use Facebook, and text their grandchildren. Licking those little stamps to stick on the corners of envelopes could soon go the way of Morse Code and the Pony Express. Text your friends about that.
Sen. Udall proposes reform of filibuster — Democrats out-talk him
Republican senators more than doubled the number of filibusters over their predecessors, and New Mexico’s Tom Udall has now led a proposal to change it all. Now that Democrats stand to lose if they can’t stand to talk, they voted No. So who’s got the bluster now?
Kozeny works for Socorro Mental Health Inc. His views are not necessarily those of his employer. He can be reached by e-mail to email@example.com.