SqueakieLeaks shock the world
By now everyone has heard about the thousands of secret documents that were released to the public recently, laying bare the hidden workings of governments, diplomats, and celebrities. Called Wikileaks, they shocked the entire world. It is now time for us to make our own revelations, and for the first time you are privy to a new set of documents, our own SqueakieLeaks. Read on, and be among the first to know.
E-mail by New Mexico Tax Code Author: “Hey, boss, I think I’ve got this year’s code almost ready. My problem is I’m having a hard time cleaning up my desk and knowing where to put the rubber bands, paperclips, pencils, and pens, and how to sort out stuff in my desk. I keep getting confused and can’t remember where I put my coat and hat, and what I’ve done with my car keys. Anyway, I’ll finish up the tax code and then … I’m not sure what I do next …”
National Food Council Chairperson, overheard at agency dinner: “Right, we’re going to have to put more steroids into the beef and more pesticides into the fields. OK, there’s not much food Americans are eating that’s healthy, but we need to keep the big bucks coming in. Yeah, pass the steroids — I want to sprinkle some on my peas and mashed potatoes.”
Astronomer at the VLA, intra-agency email: “Hey, guys, I just found a new black hole, 5 billion times bigger than the sun! It’s sucking in everything around it. Jumpin’ Jupiter, I’ve never seen anything like it! Come, look through my telescope! Oh, sorry, it’s only Joe flushing the toilet down the hall. Let’s get back to work.”
Republican Congressional Caucus, internal memo: “So it’s slash and burn and cut those funds, no matter what. Cut funds for environmental regs, for space exploration, for education, for police, for children with special needs and — well, you know, for everything! Just don’t cut funding for NASCAR — they’re our special darlins.”
Robot overheard assisting residents at neighborhood senior center: “Hel-lo, my-name-is-Arnold, and-I-am-here-to-help-you. I-am-smarter-than-you-are, and-I’m-getting-smarter-every-day. Soon-I-will-run-the-world-and-will-be-your-boss. Now-please-take-your-medicine-and-then-you-may-drink-your-coffee. Stand-by-for-further-instructions, and-I-will-tell-you-what-to-do-next. Oh, one-more-thing — turn-the-TV-to-channel-35, since-that-is-where-my-favorite-show-is. Thank-you.”
U.S. Chamber of Commerce execs, cell phone intercept: “So we’ve got local chambers opting out all over the country — so what? We’ve got to be true to our big money contributors and continue to say climate change is a figment of the liberal imagination, and to fight the reform of Wall Street and those who are trying to limit corporate campaign spending. Let the local chambers go their way. We’re in the big-time halls of power now, friends. Now pass the caviar.”
Intelligence agency director, memo left on desk: “Since the U.S. has only 17 intelligence agencies with an $80 billion budget, maybe we should add another. Whoever told Secretary of State Clinton to say, at the beginning of the protests in Egypt, that Mubarek’s regime was ‘stable’ and in no danger of falling may have been a little off. We’d better ask for a few more billion dollars.”
Scott Walker, governor of Wisconsin, in conversation with union leaders: “All right, union hot shots, what have you got to say, now that you’re busted! Do you think when my wife tells me to take out the garbage I have the right to negotiate? Yeah, sure, that’s like … OK, hold on, I’ve got a call coming in from her now and I’ve got to run …”
Bill Richardson in meeting with President Obama: “Hey, Mr. Pres, I say we set up a no-fly zone over Libya to stop that ruffian Gadhafi. We’ve got some planes sitting around in New Mexico that I used to fly in, and the new guv there has set up her own no fly zone to save money. You’re free to use them, as long as I can come along and bring some of my political friends …”
Kozeny works for Socorro Mental Health Inc. His views are not necessarily those of his employer. He can be reached by e-mail to email@example.com.