Feral pig could represent election
What I would like to do today is shift focus. Instead of writing about current events, let’s together pick a single animal that most reminds us of the election.
I’m talking about the election that was held Tuesday. You may have already blocked that election from memory. It was kind of like going to a really bad horror movie. You would just as soon forget it.
That critique is not meant to address the results nor the quality of most of the candidates. The outrage is the almost criminal tactics of candidates and associated PACS who slander one another with half truths and outright lies, financed by millions and millions of dollars secretly donated. Democracy missed the turn and crashed into a wall.
My nomination for the animal most representative of useless politics is neither the lesser prairie chicken nor the rooster, even though both have strutting personalities. But they deserve saving, especially now that the cock’s crow has lost the tinge of fear after being rescued by the New Mexico Legislature from cockfighters who thought a fun Sunday was outfitting their birds with razor blades and watching them claw one another to death. This normally took place shortly after the close of church services.
No, the animal most remindful of disgusting campaigns is the feral pig. The feral pig is one of those revolting creatures that makes one wonder, “God, what were you thinking?” I mean, these are ugly, ugly critters. It is hard to believe the same God who did sunsets designed the feral pig.
New Mexico must find a way to get rid of this relatively recent addition to its animal kingdom. The Clovis News Journal and Mountain View Telegraph, among others I am sure, have warned this vile creature has ventured across the border from Texas and expanded beyond New Mexico’s boot heel. They eat, as Telegraph editor Rory McClannahan puts it, “everything in their path.”
According to The Associated Press, feral pigs are ravishing New Mexico range and farmland and their astonishing reproductive rate has seen hogs spread to 17 of New Mexico’s 33 counties in just seven years. So what to do about these invaders? I never thought my fingers would type these words: We need to shoot them.
That’s what they do in Texas. Dustin Johnson is a young friend in Knox City who is building a thriving business by contracting with ranchers to clear their ranchland of feral pigs. He shoots them from his helicopter. If you are so inclined and have the price of admission, Dustin will take you up in his chopper and let you shoot them yourself. One recent client is a ’70s rock star whose name I could reveal if I wanted to go all TMZ on you.
Would it be indelicate of me to mention Texas police also shoot from helicopters? People, not hogs. Just a couple of weeks ago a trooper sharpshooter, thinking he was shooting fleeing drug runners, took out a pickup and killed two immigrant Guatemalans, one of whom had reportedly entered the country to earn money to pay for surgery for his 11-year-old son. But hey, like a Texas lawmaker said, “It’s unfortunate some people died, but I guess the lesson is: don’t be running from the law.”
Well, there you go. Where I come down on this is sharpshooting helicopter cops should stop shooting people and Dustin should continue shooting wild hogs. And I think New Mexico should begin serious eradication of feral pigs to get rid of them before they get rid of us.
So how would a PAC out to get me distort this column in an attack ad? There would be a dark picture on the screen to make me look even more shadowy of a character than I am. In a deep, ominous tone, a narrator would intone, “Ned Cantwell. He wants to protect illegal immigrants by taking guns from policeman, but would shoot innocent animals while protecting rich celebrities. Call Ned Cantwell. Say ‘Ned, we don’t need your kind in New Mexico!’”
Ned Cantwell – firstname.lastname@example.org – likes to think of himself as a straight shooter.