Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Couple builds a case for abstinence

Argen Duncan El Defensor Chieftain Reporter

One night changed her whole life.

Abstinence proponents Barb and Rick Wise spoke at area schools last week, telling how the HIV she contracted from her first sexual encounter before marriage affects them and how they married despite the disease.

Speaking on April 11 at New Mexico Tech, Barb Wise said research shows the best sex occurs within marriage.

"Now sex can be a very giving thing, or a very selfish thing," Barb Wise said.

Barb Wise grew up in a home where she thought she had to be perfect to earn God's love.

A man molested her at age 12. Then her parents divorced and she moved to another state, ending the abuse.

However, she learned her father left for another woman and had often been unfaithful to her mother.

Seeing problems in marriages, Barb Wise decided to become emotionally and financially self-sufficient. However, in college her focus shifted from school to men. She wanted to control relationships with males, but actually would date anyone and never set sexual boundaries.

At age 19, she had sex because she wanted her boyfriend to love her and promise to take care of her. She hated the experience, and the couple later broke up. Barb Wise said she felt so guilty that when material in a philosophy class said no god exists, she decided to believe it.

Barb Wise developed a pattern of dating someone for three months and then breaking up with him before he could leave her. She eventually had sex with six men before marriage.

When she was 25 years old, a friend showed her a Bible verse saying all people have done wrong. She began reading the Bible and eventually became a Christian.

However, her dating habits didn't change for some time. She eventually decided not to have sex again until marriage.

She met the man of her dreams at age 27, Barb Wise said.

Rick Wise had committed to abstinence until marriage. He wanted a marriage with mutual respect.

"So when I met this guy, he really honored me," she said.

When she told him of her sexual past, he was disappointed but forgave her, Barb Wise said. She decided to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. The HIV test results were positive.

"I went home that night, and despair had a heyday with me," she said. She told Rick Wise the next night.

Although he hadn't proposed, he said he had decided to marry her and nothing she could say or do would change that.

They married in October 1993.

She told the audience that the love she and her husband have is possible. People may need mentors to help them, she continued.

"Don't give up hope," she said. "Your future family's worth it. You're worth it."

aduncan@dchieftain.com

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