All Hallow’s Eve ... All hail the Great Pumpkin!

Long story short, it all began on this very day back in ancient Gaul. The story goes that on November 1, the Druids honored Samhain, their god of the dead. So, the night before, they’d always sweep out the tombs so they would be clean for the party. But first, to protect themselves from evil ghosts, they carved an ugly face into a giant turnip and lit sacrificial bonfires and dressed in costumes in hopes of scaring the shrouds off of any real ghosts that might wake up.

Considering that Halloween is a throwback to Celtic pagan ceremonies, I find it interesting how it’s now somehow linked in some people’s minds with Dia de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead. And I don’t mean the ghoulish creatures in the movie Day of the Dead or the show The Walking Dead and all that zombie nonsense.

As a matter of fact, I’m not a big fan of the gore and guts, but what appeals to me is that a small band of people from different walks of life stick together come what may, and against all odds. Which leads me to one of those imponderables about the show: Why didn’t they hold up in a mall like in that old movie?

Speaking of life’s little imponderables, why do retractable seatbelts get caught in the door?

Or why does your nose itch as soon as your hands are soapy while doing the dishes?

Or why are parking space curbings made in different heights so you never know if your front bumper scrapes over some but not others?

Or who put the bomp-bah-bomp-bah-bomp? For that matter, the ram in rama-lama-ding-dong?

But I digress.

Dias de los Muertos has nothing whatsoever to do with movies or TV shows but is a celebration of life and honoring our ancestors, as opposed to Halloween, which is for dressing up and OD-ing on sugar.

I was thinking I could dress up this year to give out candy. Some of my old shirts look pretty scary, and I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. Like my paisley shirt.

Once again, the official trick-or-treating time is between six and eight, but it used to be that Halloween night was the one time that kids were allowed to be slightly disobedient (emphasis on “slightly”). In the old days, pranks included uprooting vegetables, tipping over outhouses, and placing livestock on barn roofs. In a tamer time - when I was a kid - soaping a neighbor’s window wasn’t considered real vandalism, and if you got ID’ed your mother would make you go back and apologize and wash it off.

Anyway, the “trick” part of trick-or-treating has all but disappeared, and from what I read in the news if there was a “trick,” somebody would probably call the cops and an eight-year-old would be searched, cuffed, and their candy would be confiscated.

I guess Halloween customs have changed over the years, and while we still have parties and the newish trend of “trunk or treat,” traditions like the kids starting a bonfire in the middle of the street in the movie Meet Me in St. Louis are generally frowned upon today. I realize traditions evolve over time, but I hope I never see the day when kids will do their trick-or-treating by cell phone.

Hey, wait … maybe you get Uber Eats to do it for you.

I observe the occasion by watching a horror movie or two on Halloween night, and I don’t mean the gross-out graphic slasher stuff. I’m talking about the real thing, like Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, and Boris Karloff as The Mummy. Maybe Dracula with Bela Lugosi. Also, anything that had a ghost in it.

Face it, we like to get scared, and I mean fun-scared, not real-life scared. Real-life scared is like just missing an oncoming car while trying to pass another or when you see your toddler toddle out into traffic.

This year, I’ll follow my daughter’s suggestion and opt for Rocky Horror Picture Show with Tim Curry as Frank. N. Furter, a cross-dressing alien-slash-mad scientist. And with the Time Warp song and dance, it’s a perfect way to end Daylight Saving Time come Sunday.

Personally, I’d like to turn my clock back to, hmm, anytime before the pandemic. Someday, God willing, today’s kids will be telling their grandchildren, “I remember back in 2020 when there was no toilet paper or instant ramen.” Scary.

And don’t forget that Election Day is Tuesday, so git’r done. Whatever the outcome, I don’t want to hear any whining. Or gloating. Enough. I take to heart something the late columnist Molly Ivins of Texas once said, “The thing about democracy…is that it is not neat, orderly or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.”

Not unlike resetting all my clocks.