1 year

It’s hard to believe that she has been gone for this long. The past couple of weeks have been incredibly hard because I keep thinking about what was going on at this time last year.

Unless you have gone through it, you will never understand what it was like to lose someone during a pandemic with restrictions in place. I had to say bye to her through a window. We could only have her graveside burial. I’m home this week for her funeral service.

It feels like I’m grieving her death all over again and that it just happened. I will always be grieving in some way and something will always remind me of her, but with her funeral coming up it’s a different type of grief.

When she was in assisted living, I would write her a card every couple of weeks and send photos with what I was doing. She hung all the photos up on her wall.

Whenever I’m having a hard day or something happened that reminded me of her, I write her a card and put it in a card box that Nicole sent me. She knew how important it would be to me to continue writing those cards and she wanted me to have a special place to put them.

There are times that I really just need to talk to her because it’s been a grief-filled day. Writing those cards really help. It’s been even more helpful since I found out the day of her funeral service because there have been a lot of grief-filled days since then.

Last year for Easter, I sent her a frog stuffed animal with a bow on it. Mr. Frogs sits on my bed and always brings me comfort when it’s been a tough day or I just really miss her. She might have only had it for two months, but it’s something of hers that I have.

Since I graduated college until the day she passed, my Ithaca College stole hung in her room at assisted living. She couldn’t come to my graduation and I hung it in her room while she was getting her hair done.

While Mr. Frogs stays on my bed or couch, my stole, card box and a shadow box that has her handwriting on it sit on a shelf in my living room. There is a photo of me saying bye to her along with a ton of family and friend photos above that shelf.

One day in December was particularly hard and that was when I was making Christmas cookies. It’s her recipe and the only one we have ever used to make Christmas cookies. I’ve made the dough myself the past few years I have been in New Mexico, but it’s different making the dough when you know she is gone.

If mom or I were having issues making the dough, mom could just go ask her and our problems would be solved. Same thing with the frosting, but I always taste tested it until I knew I had it correct.

For Christmas, mom sent me a cookie jar with grandma’s recipe etched onto it. It may never be filled with cookies though so I can make sure it stays in perfect condition.