The devil’s in the details

Hit the deck! Coming up Tuesday is our least favorite day. The day Will Rogers said “has made more liars out of Americans than golf.” I’m talking about the once-a-year ritual when we tender our legal tender to Uncle Sam.

Ben Franklin once opined that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes. But at least we don’t have to shuffle off our mortal coil year after year after interminable year.

That said, I’m thinking they ought to change the date. Someone suggested that the first of the month, April Fool’s Day, should be income tax day but I would be happy if it were February 29.

On second thought, maybe not. Doing four years’ worth? I think not. Worrying that I might have missed something two or three years back and then getting a hefty fine or jail time wouldn’t be worth the “every four-year” thing.

Not surprisingly, there are all kinds of tax-paying tips and tricks that are popping up on the internet these days, but it just comes down to getting focused and slogging through it. It’s not that I mind paying my fair share, mind you; it’s just that I want to get through it as fast as possible. It’s the anxiety of it all. Will I have to pay extra? Will I get a refund, or more importantly, will I get a big refund?

I even worry about inadvertently forgetting to report something, like the few dollars interest from a savings account or winning a couple of dollars on a lottery ticket. This is when I envision Jamie Lee Curtis as the alternate universe IRS auditor in the movie Everything Everywhere All at Once marching up to my front door armed with an adding machine (and a Post it Note stapled to her forehead) because of some mistake.

In all reality, though, I’ve heard the government tries to be fair when it comes to letting you correct an honest mistake. We all make mistakes. I mean, isn’t that why pencils have erasers?

Although I am proud to be a tax-paying American citizen, I am apt to put off sitting down and completing that 1040 for as long as possible. They say that, on average, it takes eight hours to do your taxes, which takes into account three hours to collect all your paperwork, two or three hours filling out the forms, and a couple more pulling out your hair. Studies show that a family of four that brings in around $70,000 a year (the median family income - half earn less and half earn more) pays about six percent of their income in income taxes.

But get this, about 45 percent of households pay little or no federal income taxes at all, although they do kick in for Social Security and Medicare on paychecks.

The easiest way to do it is to hire a local CPA or go to one of those places like H&R Block where you can answer a few questions, dump your year’s worth of receipts on their desk and skedaddle out the door. ‘Course there is their fee, which might offset the deductions they might find.

Me, I’ve been using a computer program to figure it all out for me for the last dozen years and it’s worked just fine. You tick this, uncheck that … the program asks you all these questions and gives you a running total of what you owe or, hopefully, what your refund is. It’s like that old Ella Fitzgerald song about the music going round and round (whoa-oh-ho-ho-ho) and “it comes out here.” Put in all the figures and the money goes round and round in the computer and sends it off to the IRS electronically. There were times, years ago, that I have actually put off filing until late on April 15 and had to rush down to the post office (which used to stay open late on tax day) to get it postmarked by 11:59 p.m. Eek.

If you, like me, find yourself an unrepentant procrastinator, take heart: in a recent survey, people responded to things they would rather do instead than work on their taxes.

Jury Duty - 51.6%

Miss a Connecting Flight - 26.9%

Talk to your kids about sex - 19.45%

Swim with sharks - 13.4%

Spend the night in jail - 11.58%

Drink expired milk - 10.2%

Break your arm - 5.18%

May I digress?

Just for fun, I asked ChatGPT to come up with a joke for April 15:

Paying taxes is like going to a restaurant where you order a nice meal, but instead of getting your food, they just bring you a bill and say, “Surprise! You’ll find out what you get next year.”

Hmm. That’s what I get for using the free version.