Trying not to get lost in the supermarket

With Thanksgiving Day right around the corner, you can expect shopping carts to be getting all bunched up at the store with people picking through the freezer bins, seeking out that perfect frozen Butterball. Meanwhile, you may find me pushing my cart somewhere else looking confused with a song by The Clash running through my noodle:

I’m all lost in the supermarket

I can no longer shop happily

I came in here for that special offer

A guaranteed personality

Having said that, the place where I do most of my socializing, it seems, is in a grocery store. It’s the meeting place - the confluence of humanity - where everybody ends up at one time or another. More often than not, it happens when I’m on a mission for an item, say a can of chicken soup or a head of broccoli, and I’m focused on scanning the shelves. Suddenly, a friend pushing a cart rounds the corner, and I’ve still got finding that dang can of soup on my mind. As the howdy-dos and how ya’ doin’s get underway, I can’t stop darting an eye on the shelf, as if finding it can’t wait another second.

Frankly, there’s also an urge to be nosy and peek into their cart. “So you’re buying a box of Banquet frozen fried chicken?” I’m thinking. “Oh look, they’re getting double stuffed Orioles … “

On the other hand, there’s that situation when you spot someone you’d rather avoid and find yourself skipping through a figurative minefield, darting around other aisles, trying to miss them.

Anyway, when I go grocery shopping, I have to make several decisions. One, must I have an organic version of something, and then, if gluten-free is high on my priority list? If you look around the shelves, you’d think celiac disease has reached epidemic proportions. Thankfully, I have no problem with gluten, but if you do, there is a plethora of alternatives, and as far as I know, there may be a gluten-free pumpkin spice out there.

As mentioned above, if you haven’t noticed, we are immersed in pumpkin spice season, where anything and everything pumpkin flavored is back, and we probably won’t get our fill until at least after the New Year. My cursory search on the internet turned up some new entries to the frenzy.

Other than an advertised $11,000 pumpkin-spice inspired engagement ring you can surprise your fiancée with, this year check out pumpkin spice meatballs, pumpkin spice Dawn dish detergent, men’s pumpkin spice soap bar, pumpkin spice lip balm, Ben & Jerry’s pumpkin cheesecake ice cream, pumpkin spice body mist and body wash, pumpkin spice pretzels, dog treats, pumpkin spice cottage cheese, pumpkin spice infused toothpicks, pumpkin spice popcorn seasoning, Hefty kitchen trash bags, cinnamon pumpkin spice deodorant, chewing gum, shampoo, nail polish, toilet paper, laundry detergent, beard oil, and Dolly Parton Pumpkin Spice Cookie Mix.

If all that’s not crazy enough, a couple of new products might raise an eyebrow. Pumpkin spice Dude Wipes, and pumpkin spice potpourri for the bathroom called "Poo-Pourri.”

But why stop there? Go all the way. Before you know it somebody will come up with a tiramisu salted-caramel pumpkin spice something-or-other. I’ll be lining up for that.

And remember, all this has nothing to do with real pumpkins, although when I used to brew my homemade Smashing Pumpkins Ale, the recipe called for actual real-life pumpkin rinds for the boil. It was only during the fermentation part that the pumpkin spice flavoring get added to give it that pumpkin pie flavor.

Your alternative is butternut squash, something I’m not partial to. I’m not sure which one is healthier for you, as both are a type of squash. A gourd is also a squash, but they are more suited for decorating or carving out to use as a dipper at the old well.

Squash was never one of my favorite foods. Growing up, summer squash was a staple at Thanksgiving, but the countrified stewed way my mother, bless her soul, cooked it was not my cup of tea.

But I digress.

Getting back to turkeys, before you go sorting through the pile of birds at the store, with a bit of luck, you might score a bird tomorrow night at Finley Gym at the City’s annual Turkey Bingo.

I’d better hold up here before I go too far and start getting hungry because with the weather getting coldish, I’ll be replacing my dinner plate with a feed bag.

Even though I probably will lay on a few extra pounds between now and New Year’s, a part of me still believes I can get into that old Air Force uniform I took off when I was 22.

But then there are all those Whoppers malted milk balls I never gave out on Halloween.